There's this video going around on social media. It's a NYC divorce lawyer (more on how much of an expert I believe him to be on the topic later) discussing parenthood.
He says ... and I'm paraphrasing a bit, if having children is one's greatest accomplishment, that's sad. Reproduction being one's highest goal is the philosophy of a virus.
So, first, let's agree that viruses don't have philosophies. They are not sentient beings with a mindful purpose. In fact, viruses are not even "living organisms", because unlike human beings they cannot reproduce on their own. They require a host cell in order to replicate themselves.
Second, taking advice on what one should consider valuable about one's life from a divorce attorney is probably not the best idea. This particular individual is described as, a "courtroom gunslinger" or "the sociopath you want on your side." A divorce attorney's job is to get the biggest profitshare from a failed relationship for his client without regard for how his single-minded purpose will negatively impact everyone involved, including his client. Divorce is ugly, and he makes his living off other people's pain. It sounds like he is very good at his job. But, also, doesn't that sound a bit like a virus, actually, which has no regard for its host as long as it gets what it needs.
Also, taking advice from a sociopath - bad, bad juju.
Third, I will admit that I am quite offended by this commentary. My children ARE, indeed, my greatest accomplishment.
I have five.
They are all adults.
They are kind and considerate. They are loving. They are empathetic. They are all incredibly funny. They are all extremely intelligent. They are thoughtful. They are generous. They have a strong sense of community. They work hard. They don't take what's not theirs. They don't believe they are entitled to more than they've earned. They give back to the world in overall positive ways.
Raising kind, thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent beings in the kind of world we live in IS, absolutely, an accomplishment, and I do, absolutely, consider my children my greatest.
But that doesn't diminish any of the other things that I've done for which I am very proud, and contrary to what this person who posted the video on her social media feed believes (she was loudly applauding his commentary), being a very proud mama doesn't limit me.
And it does not, as the NYC divorce lawyer in that video suggests, make me less praiseworthy than other human beings - with or without children.
I mean, is my raising my children to be good human beings less noteworthy than some NFL superstar? Sure, winning the superbowl as part of a football team, is a great accomplishment. Everyone knows that person's name and his accomplishments, but what, exactly, has he given to society that will have an overall positive impact? He scored some touchdowns? Whoop-dee-doo. Who benefitted from that accomplishment in any way other than a fatter pocketbook?
And if our greatest accomplishment is tied in any way to a bank account, we're working toward the wrong goals anyway.
In fact, that is what this lawyer suggests might be a more worthy greatest accomplishment. Getting a college degree, or getting a promotion at one's job. Making more money is a greater accomplishment than raising good people, is his message.
What about the woman who earns a degree in political science, takes a job in a manufacturing facility as a machine operator, and works her way up the ladder to an administrative role, whose job it is to make sure the machine operators know how much of what product they need to make each day? She's a thirty-something, single woman with no children who has adopted a couple of dogs, which she calls her "babies." What is her greatest accomplishment, do you reckon? What more significant accomplishment has she managed than my being a mother to five amazing adults?
Of note: I have a college degree, and in the four years it took me to earn my four-year degree, I also became a mother ... x2.
Having kids doesn't make me the equivalent of a virus, and believing that my children are an incredible and noteworthy accomplishment isn't SAD.
My daughter and I had a discussion not long ago about nature vs. nurture. She said, in effect, that humans are born with certain traits, intellectually and physically, which just are what they are. That's the nature piece.
The nurture piece of human existence can either enhance or exacerbate those traits. If a child is born with an innate sense of empathy, for instance, but is raised with apathy and disregard, he might end up a narcissistic empath, which is a pretty dangerous combination.
Having children, and raising them to be good people, is an incredible accomplishment.
I have struggled for decades with the societal notion that being a mother is somehow less valuable than other things that people, particularly women, can do. There's this idea, exacerbated by commentaries by men, like that lawyer, that being a mother is a less valuable job than ... I don't know ... running the IT department at a private college. Certainly it pays less, and since our self-worth is often intricately tied to how much money we earn, moms will fail every time.
I've struggled to be seen, to be valued, and to be appreciated for my accomplishments.
I've accomplished some pretty awesome things in my life.
Earned a college degree: check.
Wrote and published a couple of books: check.
Played Valerie, the witch, in a staged reading of The Princess Bride: check.
Was a speaker at the Mother Earth News Fair two years in a row: check.
Played ukulele on a stage with Mark O'Connor: check.
Know how to drive a stick-shift: check.
Learned to change the tire on my SUV - by myself: check.
Been to Europe, Canada, and 27 of the 50 States: check.
Climbed Mt. Katahdin: check.
Served in the US Army, owned a business, taught high school English, worked as a librarian: check, check, check, and check
And a bunch of other shit that is on other people's lists of super feats, but that I'm running out of energy to list.
But in the end, the thing of which I am most proud is that I have five amazing kids who are out in the world making small positive ripples every day.
I don't understand why that should be considered sad.
