Greatest Accomplishment

There's this video going around on social media.  It's a NYC divorce lawyer (more on how much of an expert I believe him to be on the topic later) discussing parenthood.

He says ... and I'm paraphrasing a bit, if having children is one's greatest accomplishment, that's sad.  Reproduction being one's highest goal is the philosophy of a virus.

So, first, let's agree that viruses don't have philosophies.  They are not sentient beings with a mindful purpose.  In fact, viruses are not even "living organisms", because unlike human beings they cannot reproduce on their own.  They require a host cell in order to replicate themselves.  

Second, taking advice on what one should consider valuable about one's life from a divorce attorney is probably not the best idea.  This particular individual is described as,  a "courtroom gunslinger" or "the sociopath you want on your side." A divorce attorney's job is to get the biggest profitshare from a failed relationship for his client without regard for how his single-minded purpose will negatively impact everyone involved, including his client.  Divorce is ugly, and he makes his living off other people's pain.  It sounds like he is very good at his job.  But, also, doesn't that sound a bit like a virus, actually, which has no regard for its host as long as it gets what it needs.  

Also, taking advice from a sociopath - bad, bad juju.  

Third, I will admit that I am quite offended by this commentary.  My children ARE, indeed, my greatest accomplishment.  

I have five.

They are all adults.

They are kind and considerate.  They are loving.  They are empathetic.  They are all incredibly funny.  They are all extremely intelligent.  They are thoughtful.  They are generous.  They have a strong sense of community. They work hard.  They don't take what's not theirs.  They don't believe they are entitled to more than they've earned.  They give back to the world in overall positive ways.  

Raising kind, thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent beings in the kind of world we live in IS, absolutely, an accomplishment, and I do, absolutely, consider my children my greatest.

But that doesn't diminish any of the other things that I've done for which I am very proud, and contrary to what NYC divorce lawyer seems to be saying, being a very proud mama doesn't limit me.  It also does not make me less praiseworthy than other human beings - with or without children.  

I mean, is my raising my children to be good human beings less noteworthy than some NFL superstar?  Sure, winning the Superbowl as part of a football team, is a great accomplishment.  Everyone knows that person's name and his accomplishments, but what, exactly, has he given to society that will have an overall positive impact?  He scored some touchdowns?  Whoop-dee-doo.  Who benefitted from that accomplishment in any way other than a fatter pocketbook? 

And if our greatest accomplishment is tied in any way to a bank account, we're working toward the wrong goals anyway.

This lawyer states that one should strive for more than motherhood.  A college degree, perhaps.  Or a good job with lots of upward mobility.  Earning money, making more money is a greater accomplishment than raising good people, is the message.

To be clear, this commentary has nothing to do with those people who do not have children - either by choice or by circumstance.  This isn't about whether or not a woman SHOULD have children.  This is about putting a stop to the shaming of women who have spent their lives raising good people and are proud of the work they've accomplished.   They should be proud.  WE should be proud.

I AM proud.

Having kids doesn't make me the equivalent of a virus, and believing that my children are an incredible and noteworthy accomplishment isn't SAD.

My daughter and I had a discussion not long ago about nature vs. nurture.  She said, in effect, that humans are born with certain traits, intellectually and physically, which just are what they are.  That's the nature piece.

The nurture piece of human existence can either enhance or exacerbate those traits.  If a child is born with an innate sense of empathy, for instance, but is raised with apathy and disregard, he might end up a narcissistic empath.  He can understand other people's emotions, but doesn't care.      

Having children, and raising them to be good people, is an incredible accomplishment.  I did that.   

I have struggled for decades with the societal notion that being a mother is somehow less valuable than other things that people can do.  There's this idea, exacerbated by commentaries by (mostly) men, like that lawyer, that being a mother is a less valuable than earning a paycheck.  Certainly it pays less, and since our self-worth is often tied to how much money we earn, moms will fail every time. 

I've struggled to be seen, to be valued, and to be appreciated for my accomplishments.  

And, really, I do have a lot to be proud of.  I've accomplished a lot of pretty extraordinary things: a college degree; traveled a bit; served in the military; taught high school English; wrote a couple of books; managed a couple of businesses, both my own and others'; acted on a stage; played music with some celebrities; and dozens of other things.

But in the end, the thing of which I am most proud is that I have five amazing kids who are out in the world making small positive ripples every day.  

There is nothing sad about that.